The colonoscopy prep with the piercing, clinical-sounding name Clenpiq® comes with an instruction manual of fine print measuring roughly sixteen by twenty-two inches on both sides of onion paper.
For you math and stationary geeks out there, the manual is the equivalent to eight sheets of standard U.S. printer paper.
With a magnifying glass the reader of this tome can learn all the wonderful things that happen when you swallow either of two doses of Clenpiq® colon prep medicine during the twelve-to-fifteen hour window before the actual procedure.
If you survive the potential vomiting, cramping, seizures, nausea, bloating, and dizziness, not to mention the massive soul-draining flood of diarrhea, you will be treated to a long wait for your immaculate colon to be navigated by a high-resolution camera, examined in excruciating detail, and scraped for polyps, samples of which will be placed beneath a microscope.
For some the reward will be a momentary anaesthetic euphoria under the watchful eyes behind the glare of lenses floating between the surgical mask and cap, followed by total darkness as the procedure occurs, and the strange emergence into light again at the end of this dark tunnel.
For others this is no reward at all but a moment of gripping fear when the guardrails are all removed and the entire unconscious mind spills out into the open like the goop that poured out your anus over the last twelve-to-fifteen hours.
This is a voluntary procedure.